2019 – The Year of Realizing Stuff

As the wise philosopher Kylie Jenner once said, “I feel like this year is really about, like, the year of just realizing stuff. And everyone around me, we’re all just realizing things.”

Honestly Kylie, YES GIRL.

Idk what it is, but the last few months, I have suddenly realized a lot of things. It feels like one day I woke up and decided I was far more independent than I had ever been before. I once was someone who depended on other people far too often for an array of things. I was constantly suffering from imposter syndrome, where you constantly live in a state of fear that people are suddenly going to figure out that all the things they think you’re good at or have going for you are all a facade. I desperately needed attention from guys so that I felt “good enough” and “wanted”. I constantly needed my parents to remind me that I was doing well with my career, and with life in general. I hoped that picking the right filter, or facetuning my photos ever so slightly would somehow make people think I was a better version of myself. I worried that if I posted about something like working out, people would secretly laugh at me because I’m not skinny and so they’d obviously think I’m wasting my time.

And then I kinda just said fuck it.

I don’t want to mislead anyone though. I still like getting attention from boys. I do look to my parents to see if they’re proud of me. I do second guess what I’m posting sometimes. But I’m also SO much less concerned with what everyone else thinks. And I truly feel like it happened overnight. If anything, I’m scared that one day I’ll wake up, and I’ll suddenly feel like that scared girl who’s just waiting to be exposed again. But for now, I’m thoroughly enjoying who this new girl is.

At the beginning of the year, I made some goals for myself, and I’ve shockingly pretty much stuck to all of them. I signed up for an expensive ass gym that I LOVE. Every month, I challenge myself to workout at least 25 times out of the month. Hell, if I’m paying $130 a month for a gym, it better be worth it, right?! Even when I was in California for work a couple weeks ago, I didn’t let excuses of work and travel get in my way. The first day we got there, I went on a 5 mile run by the beach in Santa Monic + Venice. Hey, who wouldn’t take advantage of being able to do this in February? The next day, I took advantage of the time difference and got my butt to a 7am Pure Barre class. And the day after that, I did 60 minutes on the treadmill (it was pouring out). I’ve found that by making working out a priority for myself, I have felt so much more in control of my life. I feel stronger, more mentally sound, and I’m proud of myself for sticking to it, despite my schedule not always aligning the best. On top of my gym and the classes they offer for free (that I 100% take advantage of), I’m also lucky enough that my job offers $45 in ClassPass credits a month, so I try out some really fun classes all over the city! My favorites have been a trampoline cardio class, a ballet class that strictly uses Cardi B music, and a kickboxing class that was truly life changing for me lol.

Like I said, working out consistently has really helped me feel so much more in control of my life, and I really attribute a lot of my newfound independence to it. I recently went through a breakup, and I actually think that this new outlook on the kind of person I am was part of the reason why I decided that this relationship wasn’t for me. The person I was dating is a really nice guy, and a good boyfriend, but he just wasn’t my lobster. I was incredibly stressed about what to do, but I ultimately knew that I wasn’t as happy as I could be, and it wasn’t fair to him – he deserves to be with someone who’s SO happy to be with him! So while it was painful to hurt him by ending the relationship, it’s what was best for both of us. And I felt strong enough to do it, because I’m no longer afraid to be alone. I’m gaining confidence in who I am and I’m slowly becoming more proud of myself. I’m realizing stuff more than ever before.

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