Hi friends. I come to you tonight with little rage in my chest. I am seething. And you know why? Because dating in NYC is the fucking worst! And you know why that is? Because MEN are the FUCKING WORST. Follow me, won’t you?
I’ll admit it, I was very, very spoiled in my last relationship. Patrick was a complete and total gentleman when we were first seeing each other, and asked me to be his girlfriend after only 4 dates. You know why? Because he didn’t want to play games. He was worried that if he waited too long, he would miss his shot. THAT, my friend, is a man. Did things work out for us? For a little over a year, they did. We really only broke up because of distance and because we didn’t agree on a few major lifestyle changes that would need to be compromised on. But he certainly respected, valued and cared for me the entire time. And not ONCE did he not text me back. Not. Once.
So it’s almost like I feel bad for the men of New York to have to compete against this, except I don’t feel bad at all because how Patrick acted is how all men should act because that is what I like to call HUMAN DECENCY. Unfortunately, the wonderful (HA) island of Manhattan seems to be seriously lacking in that right now. And you know what? I’m thinking it’s time that I expose them all. I’m here to spill some serious tea. Ready for it?
First up, we have Mike. A 26 year old teacher + coach from NJ that I met on Hinge. Before you judge me, literally every single person I know in this city is on Hinge/The League/ Bumble/ Etc. so BYE. Ok so yes, Mike and I met on Hinge and even though he lives 30 minutes away in Jersey, he offered to come to my neighborhood to go out to dinner. I didn’t really care one way or the other about it, but he was cute and I’m always down for a free meal, so I went. And I was so happy I did! He was even cuter in person, he held my hand when we left the restaurant, and he kissed me goodnight – it gave me butterflies! Over the next two weeks, Mike came to see me 3 more times. Sure, he wasn’t a great texter, but driving an hour roundtrip to see me four times in 12 days has to count for something, right? Especially when I wasn’t sleeping with him. We went out to dinner, went out to an arcade-type bar, went bowling, etc. He even agreed to watch The Bachelor with me every Monday. Did he make attempts to get into my LuLu Lemons? Of course he did. But I said that I don’t do that unless I’m exclusive with someone. So Mike tells me he’s not talking to any other girls. Music to my ears ladies. For our fifth date, I drove out to see him. We watched a movie, watched The Bachelor and yup – we hooked up. It just felt right! Wanna know what happened after that? I’m guessing you already know, because Mike is a man and as I’ve mentioned, men are the WORST. *SPOILER ALERT* Mike ignored me for two days. Ugh, such a cliche. So I called him out on it. Told him it was super uncool to do that. And to his credit, he responded. And tried to be ~nice~ about it. You know what’s not nice though? Saying 5 dates in that you’re not looking for anything long term. That you’ve felt that way since before you even met me. Here, for your viewing pleasure, are two screenshots of an actual conversation between Mike and I today. I SHIT YOU NOT, KIDS.
He’s right about one thing, I can certainly do a lot better than him. You know, it’s funny. I was having this conversation with him and crying my eyes out because I was feeling emotional and stupid and second-guessing everything that had happened between us so I called my mom to vent. And she’s the one who encouraged me to write this post and put this guy on blast. She called it “Taylor Swifting” him. Mom, you are the fucking BEST.
Also, here are two actual Bumble messages I received today. It turns out it’s not just Mike who sucks super hard. It’s men as a species. Ladies, remember that the next time you’re feeling like you’re not good enough. It’s truly the men who are so wildly unworthy.
Ok Josh, what part about the section in my bio that explicity says “If you really wanna impress me, try holding a conversation without sneaking in any sexual innuendos. 9/10 guys on here can’t” makes you think I’d be down for this? UGH.
And then we have James, who honestly sounds like he needs counseling, not Bumble. James, I’m rooting for you, bud.
Anways, there’s so much more where this came from, but I’ll save it for a rainy day. I feel like a Kardashian right now, with all my receipts. Whatevs. I’m off to take a bubble bath and eat a carton of Coconut Bliss because I’M STILL ON FREAKING WHOLE30 AND CAN’T EVEN PROPERLY FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF AND CRY INTO A PINT OF BEN AND JERRYS.