If you thought that the title of this article would be click-bait, you thought wrong. Someone seriously broke into my apartment last weekend for the sole purpose of throwing a party. Believe me, I’m just as mind-blown as you are.
I came home on the night of Father’s day after being away for the weekend, and when I walked through the door, I could immediately tell something was off. The furniture was out of place, there were photographs missing and other photographs that were in the wrong room. After walking around a little bit, I noticed that my living room window was wide open (which I’d never do bc I don’t have a screen and, ew, pigeons), and there were a couple of joints on the floor – I don’t smoke, so that was an extra lovely surprise for me. TBH, I was kind of mind blown with all of this because when I looked around a bit more, I realized that nothing had been stolen. I have two relatively new large smart TVs, a MacBook Pro, jewelry, etc. and none of it was missing. So someone legitimately broke into my apartment for the sole reason of throwing a party. That’s it. The best part? When I opened the door to my hall closet, there was a pizza box laying on the floor that had a name and number on it. Clearly these criminals were hard core.
This clearly wasn’t an emergency but I do live alone and wanted to take the proper precautions, so I called the non-emergency number for the police station. TBH, I was less than impressed with the response I got, because the operator legit chastised me for not calling 911. I was all, “well nobody is hurt so I didn’t think I should call 911” and she was all, “um you need the cops to come sooo obviously u need to call 911”. K THANKS LADY. ‘PRECIATE YOUR SUPPORT DURING THIS TRYING TIME.
So I call 911 and tell them what happened and they come about 45 minutes later. The cops are literally laughing at my life (and I can’t really blame them bc really, who else would this happen to?!). Not to sound pathetic or anything but I was like, “uhmmm so I’m sure you get this a lot but I watch a ton on SVU, ya know, there’s always martathons on USA today like every single day, and idk but can you check around and make sure there aren’t any cameras hidden in here or anything?” Call me crazy, but I’m not trying to be on hidden camera so some perv in Brooklyn can watch me binge on Chinese food and re-runs of Gossip Girl, ok?? So they check around and give me the all-clear, and then I ask what my options are. They basically tell me that because nothing was stolen, that this would be Criminal Trespassing, not a B&E, which idc about. When I ask if I can file a report, they for sure did not want to. Like, ok guys I get that this prob isn’t the worst thing you’ve dealt with this week, but A CRIME WAS COMMITTED HERE. File the report so I can sleep at night, amirite? And I reminded that that we have a HOT LEAD – the pizza box with the name + phone number on it. But they just told me that it could be nothing because the person could’ve used a stolen credit card to buy it. And like, ok I get that logic, but also, you don’t know that for a fact sooo shouldn’t we just check it out just to be sure?? But they weren’t into it, so I dropped it. They left, and I checked myself into a hotel for the night.
The next morning, I told the people on my team at work what happened, and the story spread like wildfire. People literally couldn’t get enough of this story. It started bothering me more + more that the police just weren’t going to follow up on this at all. So, if you know me, you won’t be surprised at all with what I did next. That’s right, I took matters into my own hands. I channeled my inner Olivia Benson/Pope. I paid $1 to look up the background info for the name + number on the pizza box. I called Domino’s and pretended to be the person who ordered this pizza and asked what the address was that was associated with the phone number so that I could figure out where this person lived. Then I added the number to my contacts list so I could find them on SnapChat/Facebook/Instagram. I KNEW THEIR WHOLE LIFE IN AN HOUR. Then I downloaded an app called Burner to get myself a fake phone number and texted the girl to tell her what the f*ck was up. This, my friends, is when things got reallll interesting.
I sent a pretty straightforward message about the whole thing. I told her that there was no point in denying the party, because there was a pizza box with her name and number on it. I told her there was video surveillance from my building that had her and her friends on tape coming and leaving the party. I also told her that I had no interest in pressing charges and that I only really cared about them paying for the damages they caused so that I could get my full security deposit back. This girl then tells me that I must be mistaken, because she didn’t host a party this weekend and I must have the wrong number. I tell her, nope, I don’t think so, because THERE’S A PIZZA BOX IN MY LIVING ROOM WITH YOUR NAME AND NUMBER ON IT. Then she calls me, almost in tears, and proceeds to tell me that she didn’t host a party this weekend but that she did attend one that was hosted by a girl she went to high school with. She coughed up a ton of info, including a fancy-ass invitation that I’ve included at the end of this post for your viewing pleasure.
I’ve since tabled my Nancy Drew lifestyle (for now) and handed this over to the police for further investigation. That wasn’t my original plan, but after seeing the invitation to this party, the disrespect was too real for me to ignore. So for now, it’s in the hands of the law. I’ll keep you updated as it all unfolds.